Difficulties that can arise during practice

Can you share a bit about your background and what initially drew you to meditation?

I am a professional in my early 30’s. I am fortunate to have had an excellent upbringing and live a great life. I had no history of trauma or other significant mental health issues.

If I was told meditation could have serious adverse effects, I would have considered myself to be well outside of what I would have assumed the ‘at risk’ group to be.

I was drawn to a meditation app, which had claims of ‘a new operating system for your mind”. The idea of being able to optimise my brain was a big drawcard. I was also looking for a solution to resolve low levels of anxiety I had been noticing in my day to life.

I was not drawn to meditation for any religious or spiritual reasons.

Can you describe the types of meditation practices you engaged in and how frequently you practiced?

I practised using a meditation app, which is largely “non dual” teachings. This included guided meditations by Sam Harris and Adyashanti, among others. I also practiced loving-kindness.

On average I was practising 10-20 minutes per day for a period of 8 months. I also did one 2 week nature self-retreat which included 4-5 hours of meditation per day.

Were there any positive experiences you encountered during your early stages of meditation?

I noticed myself becoming more compassionate towards other people. I believe I can attribute this to the loving kindness meditation.

There were also several occasions of a drug like bliss during the meditation.

At what point did you start noticing discomfort or challenges arising from your meditation practice?

Immediately after a self-retreat my mental wellbeing deteriorated very rapidly to a crisis point. I initially noticed that my visual perception of myself in the world had completely changed. I didn’t feel real and was viewing myself from the third person (think of it being like watching yourself on the TV). When I spoke to people it was as if someone else was doing the talking; the words were just somehow coming out. My limbs didn’t feel like mine. I could hardly sleep as any time I closed my eyes everything would just be spinning, leading to nausea.

I also suffered from very high levels of anxiety and panic attacks, something I had never experienced before. My nervous system had become completely unhinged. I would spend hours in a constant panic attack. A click of a pen in a quiet room was enough to give me huge a fright.

There were also very deep depressive episodes. I was in mental pain that cannot be expressed with words. I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t enjoy anything, I simply couldn’t function. I could not believe the mind could go to such dark places.

I genuinely believed that I had completely broken my brain and that there was no coming back from this.

My mental wellbeing was a rollercoaster that suddenly had very rapid swings that I couldn’t control.

In hindsight, I now realise that in the months prior to this crisis occurring I was becoming more and more anxious as was starting to experience minor symptoms of disassociation. This kept building until by mind just became completely destabilised.

Did you seek guidance or support from meditation instructors or communities when you encountered difficulties? If so, how were your concerns addressed?

No, I did not have an avenue to discuss the issues through the app.

Did you find that the negative impacts of meditation were getting in the way of living your life as usual? In what ways? For how long?

For 3 months my life was severely impacted. I struggled to work, I couldn’t find enjoyment in things I loved, and I avoided all social interactions. I went from running a couple of half marathons a week, to a successful day being just getting out of bed to get food from the kitchen. Meditation destroyed my life through that period.

Whilst I have made huge progress in the last year of my recovery, my life still hasn’t returned to normal. I still suffer from increased levels of anxiety, frequent bouts of depression and notice small dissociative symptoms daily.

Were there moments when you tried to adapt your meditation practice to alleviate the distress? If yes, how did that turn out?

No, I stopped all meditation when I realised it was the cause of my mental health crisis.

What resources, if any, did you find helpful in understanding and addressing the challenges you were facing with meditation?

I found it extremely difficult to find suitable resources to help address the issues I was facing. All the advice I found online advocated continuing to meditated and push through the issue. The Doctors I saw were not experienced in the issues I was facing so could not provide meaningful support.

Eventually I found Cheetah House, a non-profit helping meditators in distress. Not only could they accurately describe exactly what I was experiencing, but they were able to articulate with science why meditation had triggered this. Being able to finally understand what was happening and that my brain wasn’t permanently broken marked the start of my recovery. They were also able to offer other resources to assist.

Can you share any coping strategies you developed to manage the distress caused by meditation?

I found the counselling provided by Cheetah House to be very effective at calming my nervous system and reducing dissociative symptoms.

I also found medication important to help stabilise my nervous system to a level where I had the agency to drive my recovery.

Looking back, is there anything you wish you had known or any advice you would give to others who might be experiencing similar challenges with meditation?

I would strongly encourage reaching out to Cheetah House; they truly are the world experts. Once you understand what’s going on, you realise there is hope and that you can make a full recovery.

How has your journey with meditation influenced your perspective on mental health and self-care?

I never understood mental health prior to experiencing a crisis for myself. I now have the utmost compassion for everyone struggling.

What message would you like to convey to individuals who promote meditation as a universal solution for mental health without acknowledging its potential challenges?

There is no universal solution when it comes to mental health. Not only that, but what can be positive for one person can be damaging for someone else. I would have laughed at you if you told me that meditation could negatively impact my mental health, however it then took me from being mentally stable to having a mental health crisis.

I see meditation as being like taking a medication. It can be extremely beneficial for some people and cause anything from minor to severe side effects for others. With medication we are provided information on potential side effects and when to stop and see a doctor. With meditation, we told there are only positive outcomes, despite the science saying the exact opposite.

In sharing your story, what are your hopes and intentions for raising awareness about the complexities some individuals can encounter with meditation?

I would like to see anyone that offers meditation to highlight the potential early warning signs that it may not be right for them. If I knew that my slowly increasing levels of anxiety and short out of body glimpses where due to meditation and that I needed to stop, I never would have reached a point of crisis.

My overall hope is that by increasing awareness, harm caused by meditation can be reduced.

What would you like professionals, instructors, and meditation communities to understand better in order to support individuals who may have experienced harm from meditation?

There needs to be widespread acknowledgement that meditation practices are not right for everyone. Despite there being ample scientific evidence to back this up, meditation providers and practitioners can be extremely defensive about any criticism towards it. If people have balanced views then incidence and intensity of harm can be reduced.

If someone is experiencing harm from meditation, they need to be supported and directed towards expert care. The solution to the problem is unlikely to be more of the problem.

Have you accessed the services of Cheetah House via the Contemplative Studies Centre subsidy program? If so, how did you find the program?

Cheetah House was pivotal for my recovery journey. The CSC subsidy program ensured I could receive expert care that was timely and cost accessible.

How do you envision your relationship with meditation evolving in the future, if at all?

I have stopped meditation and do not envisage ever re-engaging with it. Could there be types of meditation that may benefit me? Maybe. But after experiencing the issues I have been through I’m not taking the chance to find out.

Is there anything else you would like to share about your experiences or insights gained through this journey?

Meditation truly shattered my life and has been by far the hardest battle I have ever faced. However, going through such tough times and also provided me a huge opportunity for growth. I am adamant that this whole experience will be a net positive for me eventually.